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Saturday, February 26, 2005

Long week

The other day, the store where I work was getting rid of a stack of white wire baskets, so I took them home for putting my son's toys in. He wanted to help me carry them in from the car, so we were trying to pull them apart so he could carry part of them. The rubber coating on the baskets made them stick together, so when we got them apart they came flying apart suddenly, hitting my son on the face, right next to his eye. He cried for about 20 seconds, and was fine. It left a little bruise.
The next evening, I was getting ready to go to my other job at the bar when there was a knock on the door. I opened the door, and there stood Tracy Chance. Sheriff's deputy. He said that someone had reported to the Social and Rehabilitation Services that I had given my son a black eye, and that he was there to investigate. He took my son and I down to the sheriff's office, put us in two different rooms and asked us separately about the incident. He came out and told me that he was sure that this was not an abused child, and took us home.
The only people who saw my son that day were the ones at the school, so I am sure it was them. They had sent the SRS over to "investigate" why I hadn't taken my son to the dentist when he had a few cavities that need looked at. I had told them that I was waiting to pay off my medical bills before racking up more bills. I do have insurance, but even the part insurance doesn't pay is more than I can afford, other than monthly payments. They suggested that I get SRS(welfare) help. Welfare is for those who can't help themselves, who don't have insurance. I will NOT let those people run my life. But I made the appointment for my son's dental appointment, with a pediatric dentist who can intravenously sedate my son, due to his ADD he would not hold still any other way. My insurance will most assuredly tell me that the IV was not necessary and I will pay most of this bill myself.
Here I am, complaining. I know that life could be much worse, but I am getting to the point that I hate waking up in the morning, and not just because I am still tired...

Monday, February 21, 2005

I thought this was interesting....


Take the quiz: "WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"

New Aged/Wiccan
An it harm none, do as ye will. You are a fluffy bunny. You wouldn't harm a fly. Actually, you might demonstrate to SAVE the flies! Than again, you're probably busy casing love spells, using a psychic talent, being a Vegetarian or trying to save the Rainforests. Either way, you're harmless.


Actually, I seem to see myself as somewhere in between Christian and Wiccan... combining thought from both... Is that possible?

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Question

Anyone know if I can change the background color (black) to an image? I have been playing with it, but can't seem to do anything with it...
Just found a background image that I really like, and thought it might be cool here...

Time to kill...

What do you all think about my new profile pic? THe bird is supposed to be a hawk, looks more like a sparrow, but the colors looked good with my celtic bar at the top of the page...lol I had several that I was thinking of using...






or maybe just using my signature pic....



Guess I could always go with this one... I always tell people that I am a combination of Jessica Rabbit and Betty Boop....lol



Blah, Blah Blah

Life is sort of in a boring phase right now...
Jeff did send me an email... He's been out of state for a couple of weeks, but wanted to tell me he still loves me...
Will has been calling me several times a day... Even hinted at me moving to South Carolina... What do I tell Jeff if Will and I start seeing each other again? *sigh* And knowing how attached I get to Will, do I want to get involved a second time knowing he could break my heart again??
My job right now is going really well, I'm set up to go into the manager training program as soon as I finish the asst. Manager training, and who knows how far I could go after that... I really enjoy this work most of the time, and I do think I want to stay with this company... Maybe district manager someday, or even higher...
My part time job starts on Wednesday... I think it will be fun. I used to be a bartender in a club, so tending bar in a little beer bar should be a piece of cake...Except on days when I work 8 hour shifts at both jobs...LOL... I could see me working 5:30 am until 1:30 pm at the store, then 2:30 pm til 10 or 11 pm at the bar and getting up the next morning to be at the store again by 5:30 am... Oh well, I guess I will sleep when I get old...LOL
I got that ring I ordered... It's really pretty, so I ordered another one...LOL
this is the new one...



Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Just another day....

R left this morning, and called from out on the road to tell me Happy Birthday... he forgot this morning...
Will has already called this morning again...lol
I guess that he didn't see the point in calling when he wasn't driving OTR for a living... We wouldn't be able to see each other anyway...
At least I now know the answer to the question I have been asking myself for the last 3 years... "Does he ever think about me?" The answer is "Yes, as much as I think about him"... and that is the answer I wanted!

I really have to get some work done around the house today... it's been chilly, and cloudy, and I haven't even got dressed yet... I'm still in my betty boop flannel pj pants and sweat shirt...lol

I found out that my boss (who is only 25 btw) was originally an Opera major in college... I never knew an Opera major before... He changed it to marketing, though... Some dreams die hard, I guess...
He had never heard of Sarah Brightman before, so I loaned him my CD ... Going in today to see what he thought of it... I think he'll love it...
He and I have a lot in common... I love working with him...

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Surprise!

The most amazing thing happened this morning.
Remember me talking about Will? The love of my life... Lives in SC... Haven't heard from him in almost 3 years? He called me this morning!! I have been floating all morning...LOL
He thinks he's going back to driving a semi... And that he will be back out this way soon...
God, I can't believe that... I thought I would never hear from him again... Although we both agreed that we were made for each other... It just wasn't going to work... We broke up amid gallons of tears... He thought his duty was to get back together with his estranged wife because of the kids... I wasn't going to try to take him away from his kids, so I let him go... To this day, he is the love of my life...
When we were together I had high school girls I didn't even know coming up and telling me how good looking my boyfriend was...LOL... I caught a lot of flack, though... He is the reason that my dad and that whole side of the family won't talk to me now... Just because Will is black. He was worth it, though, if my family is like that I don't want them in my life...

His current job is delivering beer kegs for a distributor... Hauling around 180 pound kegs all day is right up his alley, I'm sure... He is 5'9", 210, solid muscle... Absolutely gorgeous... Beer vendors probably like hiring people that don't drink, too...LOL

I can't wait to see him again... Wow, what a great birthday present! (it's tomorrow... I officially turn 'ancient'...LOL)Will is 4 1/2 years younger than me...

Monday, February 14, 2005

New Signature

Check out my new signature....




What do you think? I love it...
It was made for me at Two Ravens Signature Design by Prickle.


Well, I am now the proud owner of a second job... tending bar in the local beer bar... about 24 hours a week. Should be fun, except for weeks when I have 40+ hours at my regular job... *sigh*
Oh well... I'll sleep when I get old...lol

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Nothin to talk about

Check out this great new ring I just ordered
here...


Can't wait to get it...

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Overtime

I hate being at work when someone calls in... I can't use caller ID to get out of working...LOL
I went in at 5:30, the 8-4 person called in sick, and the manager had a Dr.'s Appt. At 9 am. I did the books for him, did my stuff, did some extra stuff that other people hadn't done on their shifts... He called and said that if he didn't get back in time, I would work until 4 pm for him, wouldn't I? I said yes... What else could I say? Come to find out he was sitting at home, and I was still finishing out his shift. *sigh*

He did tell me that the company might help me take classes online to get my business or marketing degree... That would be great...
There used to be a woman that was called a "troubleshooter"... She went around to stores that were having problems, and helped the manager get things lined out... Or managed the store until they got a new manager there... That is what I want to do, and my manager said that I should talk to the Dist. Manager about doing that... After I finish my asst. mgr. Testing, and maybe go on and take the manager training... The president of out company started out as a part time graveyard shift worker... I started out in graveyard... Who knows how far I could go...LOL

Still haven't heard from Jeff... *sigh*
Oh well..
I am thinking that I am going to start a new blog... "She-Woman Man-Haters Club"...lol... I really might...

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Someone just shoot me now....

Ladies and Gentlemen... If I didn't believe the old saying "When it rains it pours" before, I sure as hell do now...

My sewer line has collapsed. I received the proposal for getting it fixed today... $2,679. Not including sales tax, or extra back hoe hours at $75 an hour.

Think my little $180-$200 a week paycheck is going to cover that? I don't think so. Not and cover the medical bills and the loan payment (I had to take out a $1300 loan to pay for fixing my car a few months ago)AND put food on the table.
Hell, according to my tax statement, my house is only worth about $12,000... Do I want to put that kind of money into it??

Damn it all to hell....


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Same 'ol Same 'ol...

23 degrees. Wind chill of 11 degrees. Ice, snow...
I HATE WINTER!!!!!
I am so cold typing this I can barely feel my fingers.
I have no internal heater... I can go snuggle under my electric blanket on high for hours and still be like ice...
Several times my body temperature (normal: 98.6) goes down as low as 91... Hurts like hell when that happens...
I HATE WINTER!!!
I am dreaming of somewhere nice and hot... Or at least a building with better heat than my house...lol The thermometer says it's 50 in here... The son says he isn't cold, but IM freezing...
Why does winter have to be sooooo loooong!?

Several people at work have now been written up for "low sales"... If you make less money on your shift than they did on that date that shift last year, and other people that week made more on that shift, you get written up. Three of these and you are fired. What are we supposed to do, stand out in the highway and flag them in??
We also have things called secret shoppers... They come around anonymously and rate your store on your friendliness, and cleanliness. Get under a 50% and you are automatically fired, no matter that you work the whole store by yourself most shifts, and no matter how busy you are, or what the person before you left the store looking like... If you call in sick you are automatically labeled as "unreliable"... Several sick calls in one month and you are written up. *sigh* I really want a new job....
the $300 electric bill is due on Thursday... I have no money to pay it... Hope they will hold out a week...
All the ice today has caused lots of wrecks... There was one just outside of town before I left work involving two semi's and two cars... Sounded pretty bad...
Just nasty weather all around... I am glad I am home for the day, but R still has to drive 30 miles in it to get home... Hope he makes it all right...

Monday, February 07, 2005

Another thought...

One bit of dialogue from "Maid in Manhattan" I actually wrote down... Posted next to my bathroom mirror...

"To serve people takes dignity, and intelligence. But remember, they're only people with money, and although we serve them, we are not their servants. What we do does not define who we are."
Lionel Bloch, a character from "Maid in Manhattan"

Guess I should say that over and over to myself every morning...lol

No news....

I haven't heard from Jeff in at least a week... My prepaid cell phone ran out of minutes, and my computer is taking up the only land line I have...
Haven't heard from Hawk, either... Of course they both know all my email addresses... *sigh*
I am going to just give up. I don't know that the title of this blog is appropriate, anymore...
R and I still have a bit of fun... he is learning...lol...
If it wasn't for my ADD son doing so well in the school system, I would move away from them all... start over... WITHOUT MEN! I would just work, and come home to my son. When he graduated from HS, I would just get a lot of cats to come home to....LOL

I am a bit surprised at the results of that quiz I made... people I have never even heard from know me fairly well... Hmmm.... interesting...

Maid in Manhattan (Clerk in Kansas)

You know, every time I watch "Maid in Manhattan" I go through the same thing...
The ending is perfect, and it makes me happy... Until the credits roll and I realize... Life never works that way.
I am like Marissa. Single. Service profession. Mother to a young son. But there are no senators in my future. I have to be satisfied with the life I have... No, it's not about money, really, it's about respect. It's about being treated like and extension of the cash register by customers who assume I am stupid... when my IQ is probably higher than theirs. It's about my son not getting the best start in life he could be getting... It's about not having to heat my house with my electric cook stove because I can't pay my gas bill... it's about not ever telling my son that he can't go to the doctor because I don't have the money to pay even the part that's left after the insurance pays their part. Sure, I could go to college, and work my way up. The nearest junior college is a 30 mile drive. I have to work all day, almost every day. How do I go to school and work to put food on the table all at the same time? Ok, there is taking classes online. About $400-$500 per credit hour. I bring home approximately $800 a month.
Plus, I am turning 38 in about 9 days. I am pretty old to be starting over now.
I think when R gets home today, I should just tell him that we can stay together. Now I understand why the people around here are "stuck in a maze, staring at their feet"... Those walls are 4 feet tall, but climbing over them just gets you to another part of the maze. I need to get real and just accept what I cannot change.

Of course, there is a bit of a bright side. I am looking for a second job... the first not keeping food on the table... I think there is a part time job open at the local bar. I'm going to talk to Karen (the owner's wife) sometime today, hopefully... wish me luck. Just what I need, working more hours.... *sigh*

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Questions

I ain't goin nowhere unless you come with me
I say I aint goin nowhere lessen you come with me
I ain't about to be some leaf that lose its tree
So take my hand see how I'm reachin out for you
We got a whole lot more than only one us can do
June Jordan

Why did this make me think of R?
He and I are really getting close, and that scares me...
There have been two or three times since we first separated that we have gotten close again and tried to get back together... But I always get to the point where I can't stand to be around him again, can't find any respect for him, and we separate again...
Is is just my loneliness that keeps us together? Is it the fact that we still have such great sex? Is it that I can't make it financially without him? Is it that he is always there to help with our son, or cook dinner, when I am so tired and stressed that I can't do anything but sleep? Why can't I just be happy with him... Why can't he just grow up a little and earn my respect back????
Maybe it's because we are just so close again, him living in my house...Maybe when he buys his house... Of course, it's next door to me.... *sigh*
Trust and respect are both more important to me than love... And R has lost both of them, from me... How can he earn that back? Can I ever learn to trust and respect him again? Why does life have to be so complicated????



Saturday, February 05, 2005

News Surfing

Sometimes I wish I would just stay away from news sites.
I don't have television, though, and the internet is the only way I get my news.
I found this while reading through a news site: Couple awaits child torture extradition

Pulling out their toenails?? How could you look into the eyes of a child (no matter how old) and do that... And why do Utah officials sound so nonchalant about the whole thing... Like they don't care if this couple got caught or not?!? Sometimes I wonder about this world...

And this... Why can't we elect a businessman as president... Do you know what would happen if a company was run like our government?? It would go bankrupt so fast it'd make your head spin...
How stupid do they think the rest of the world (and their own country) is?
The US Government has a long list of FREE booklets you can send for... one of them is from the Federal Trade Comission, called "Knee Deep in Debt". It starts out like this:
"Having trouble paying your bills? Getting dunning notices from creditors? Are your accounts being turned over to debt collectors? Are you worried about losing your home or your car?
You're not alone. Many people face a financial crisis some time in their lives. Whether the crisis is caused by personal or family illness, the loss of a job, or overspending, it can seem overwhelming. But often, it can be overcome. Your financial situation doesn't have to go from bad to worse."

Do we really want to take budgeting advice from these people!?!?! Maybe they should read their own brochures...

Quiz time

I seem to do alot of things in my blog recently that I see in other people's... *sigh* Oh well... nothing going on in my life that is exciting enough to write about...lol
I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

Friday, February 04, 2005

Blog-Hopping

I have realized that Blog-hopping makes me more content in my life.
No, really. It gives me more of a go-ahead to be myself, and worry less about what people I knkow in r/l really think...
In the blog world, I am surrounded by witty, intelligent people. People who I actually have things in common with.
Of course, witty and intelligent don't have to be all in the same blog. I found one today, written by a 16 year old girl, so I won't link to it here, but I nabbed this quote from her... "It is impossible to eat a banana unprovocatively." That just struck me as funny... I don't know, maybe not...
In my real life, here in Hick County, I am surrounded by people who have been stuck in a rutted maze for years,staring at their feet as they shuffle, not realizing that the maze walls are only 4 feet high...

Movie previews

I noticed that on Ruby Red Ruminates, she has a list of movies she wants to see...
I thought that is pretty cool, so I thought I would put a few of my "can't wait to see" movies here...
I am a MAJOR Tim Burton fan, (and Johnny Depp) so of course, these two are first:


"Tim Burton's Corpse Bride"

and


"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"

Then there is...



"Chronicles of Narnia:The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"

From Disney... The Chronicles of Narnia have been some of my favorite books since I first found them on the school library shelf when I was in 6th grade... I own my own set, now, and re-read the entire series at least once a year...



"The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Oh, and

"Sin City" looks great, even though I am usually not a Bruce Willis fan...
I am also looking forward to

"Boogeyman"...

"Hitch" (Isn't Will Smith just gorgeous!?! LOL)... "

War of the Worlds"...

"Diary of a Mad Black Woman"
and many more...

Just another day

This is my last day off this week... *sigh*
I have to work 10-4 tomorrow, not bad, but 7am -4pm on Sunday, because I'm doing the books for the manager who is going to be gone. I LOVE doing the books... It's running the register and dealing with people that I hate...LOL
The son gets out of school at 11am today. Jeff should be here sometime, for an hour or two...
I told Jeff (in replying to an email from him, of course, I rarely talk to him anymore)that I wasn't sure if this was going to work out... I can't keep letting my feelings for him grow if we are never going to get time together. Especially when my feelings for R are growing (again).
I don't know if I will ever be able to get R out of my system... I know that there are those people around me that think he's not good enough for me... That I should divorce him and get on with it...
But how do you just walk away from 20 years of your life? Especially since we are getting along so well right now...
Maybe our plan is a good one... Get the divorce. Buy the house next door, fix it up, he lives there, I live here... We can still be best friends, right? That way the son has us both close...
I just don't know what to do...
I know that some people would say that he is holding me back, and maybe they are right... But who is to say that I would go any farther without him?
There have been times in the past when we have gotten close again like this... But it never lasts, and I'm afraid that this is going to fade again too...
Just like Lee Ann says in R and I's new song...
"Everyone's known someone that they just can't help but want;
And even though we just can't make it work out, well the want-to lingers on.
So once again we wind up in each other's arms, pretending that it's right,
An' I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight."

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Answering the call...

There is NO type of music that I don't listen to... and this list will change daily - or hourly... lol.. These are just what popped into my head tonight...

The Random Ten:

1. Unforgetable - Nat King Cole
2. Heaven's a lie - Lacuna Coil
3. Sweet Home Alabama - Lynrd Skynrd (sp?)
4. Kiss from a Rose - Seal
5. Honky Tonk Woman - The Stones
6. Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye
7. Look at you girl - Chris Ledoux
8. Proud Mary - Ike and Tina Turner
9. My Everything - Anita Baker
10. The Woman with you- Kenny Chesney

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

All my files come from CDs... no other source... about 2000 probably, at least...

The last CD you bought is:

Sony Music's "Smooth R&B" - Has great R&B stuff on it... "Sexual Healing" MArvin Gaye, "Ain't no sunshine" by Bill Withers and quite a few more...

What is the last song you listened to before this message:

"Rough and Ready" Trace Adkins

Write down five songs you listen to a lot or mean a lot to you:

1. Bring on the rain - Jo Dee Messina
2. Survivor - Detiny's Child
3. Moving On - Rascal Flatts
4. Fighter - Christina Aguilera (NOT that I'm a fan of hers - just the song)
5. ((I can't think of another one at the moment!!)

Who are you gonna pass this stick to? (three persons and why):

1. Hmmm... Diane from Love and Other Catastrophes - If she and Mike are online again...I know she's got great taste in music
2. My daughter, who has a really interesting blog(http://lhohl.blogspot.com/) and taste in music
3. Rednaked

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

While surfing the blog world...

THIS is the funniest thing I have seen in a while...

THIS is an interesting entry, I think....

Cool entry on Groundhog's Day...


Stolen entry

I saw this on D`Anerah's blog, and I hope she doesn't mind, but I thought it was pretty cool so I nabbed it...

M E-
[in the morning i am]: tired and wanting to stay asleep
[love is]: Personally, I think Love is something for other people
[i dream about]: Actually meeting a responsible man. (Really, R turning into a responsible man)

W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: strength of character, confidence, maturity, ability to take care of business

W H O-
[is your hero]: My Grandma, who was killed in 1986 in a car wreck along with my grandpa...
[makes your heart thump]: (everyone knows my answer to this, I think...lol) Hawk ...and R too, lately...

H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: R was my best friend when we met... still is, I guess.. I rarely have female friends...

D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[could you live without the computer?]: Not hardly! My only link to "real" people
[what's your favorite food?]: Chicken and veggies, any style...
[whats your favorite fruit?]: apples.
[what hurts more? physical pain or emotional pain?]: emotional
[trust others easily?]: some people, yes, most people, no

N U M B E R-
[of times i have had my heart broken? ]: Just once, really. Will Williams, 2001... That one still hurts...
[of hearts i have broken?] : none. I have never broken off a relationship.
[of boys i have kissed?] : HA!! Like I know the answer to that...lol
[of girls i have kissed?] : one
[of drugs taken illegally?] : When I was young, I experimented a bit... But none in the last 20 years
[of tight friends?] : Mainly, just R... Well, there is Greg, but he moved to Texas, and Barbara who lives up by Topeka but I only talk to her every few months these days...
[of cd's that i own?] : about 300 probably
[of scars on my body?] : just a few teeny ones, and the ones from gall badder surgery
[of things in my past that i regret?]:Lots of little things, but the one big one... Not saying "I love you" to my grandpa in the hospital before he died, even though is was unconscious and may not have heard me...

O.T.H.E.R. T.H.I.N.G.S.-
[i know]: That I am the most confused person I know
[i want]: A stable homelife
[i have]: Great kids (although my daughter I sometimes wonder about...)
[i wish]: Things were more "cut and dried"... that I could be happy with R
[i hate]: irresponsibility, racism, and volurtary ignorance
[i miss]: Living in the country
[i fear]: Losing my son, or R.
[i hear]: The fan in the kitchen, and my sick son blowing his nose...lol
[i love]: I don't know that I know what love is, other than the love I have for my son
[i ache]: Times like now, when my son is sick and doesn't understand it
[i always]: wear my seat belt
[i dance]: At home, there is no where here in Hick County to go dancing...lol
[i don't always]:
[i write]: To keep my head from exploding
[i can usually be found]: AT the computer, with my son, or at work
[have you ever played a game that made u take off clothing?]: Once
[if so, when and with who]: In 7th grade, at the park, with my friends Kristi and Darrin (Darrin lost!! lol)
[favorite place to be kissed?]: my neck
[have you ever been caught "doing something"]: Oh boy, ask me about that one sometime...lol
[druggie]:An experimental one in High School... mainly to fit in with the crowd I was in
[gang member]: nope.
[daydreamer]: #1 past time
[alcoholic]: Occasional beer when I go to play pool
[freak]: Life would be dull if I wasn't!
[brat]:Not even close... way to responsible. (sigh)
[sarcastic]: hehehehe
[goody-goody]: Sometimes, I suppose... it was bred into me...lol
[angel]: no
[devil]: not anymore... life is too serious these days, I guess...
[friend]: yes, to a few
[shy]: way too much
[talkative]: not until I get to know someone really well
[adventurous]: I think so, in certain strains...lol
[intelligent]: Extremely(according to my IQ)... but I think it would be a relief not to be... I think too much...

S.E.L.F-A.N.A.L.Y.S.I.S-

[your best feature]: My hair or my smile (althoug most people say my eyes)
[you are]:Not a people person
[your biggest flaw]: impatience
[most annoying thing you do]:over analyze everything
[biggest mistake you've made this far]: being born?
[describe your personality in three words]: artistic, antisocial, deep
[the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: my eyes, my hair
[person you regret sleeping with]: Treyve. I was 32, he was 21, we were at a party... you know the rest...lol
[a smell that makes you smile]: Wheat stubble in the 100 degree heat of August.. or the smell of my Grandma's favorite face powder...
[a city you'd like to visit]: New Orleans or London
[a drink you order most often]:Jack and coke, or tequilla shots I hate "frilly" drinks
[a delicious dessert]: Just one???
[the music you prefer while alone]: Depends on my mood. From Sinatra to Beethoven to Lacuna Coil to Rob Zombie
[a film you could watch over and over]: Underworld
[a TV show you watch regularly]: We don't watch any television at my house, but if I'm at my mom's I usually watch CMT or HGTV
[your transportation]: Chevy Lumina, white. Typical "mom" sort of car... I'd rather have a truck
[under your bed or in your closet you hide]: I don't have things to hide... under the bed is just stuff I don't have room for anywhere else
[something important on your night table]: nothing important there... alarm clock, something to drink, latest read
[something you like about yourself]: sense of humor?? I can't really think of anything...